The Secrets to a Long-Term Relationship

….are, separate bathrooms and the Internet.  Of course, there are the basics that you learn about from your mom and other love gurus, such as the need for positive and thoughtful communication.  That one took us awhile.    Since Nels doesn’t lie very well, and since I used to be (ahem) sensitive about my body image, it was a clear landmine when I asked him, “does this skirt/dress/outfit make me look bovine/matronly/slutty?”  Nels did a terrific job dodging these landmines, but neither of us felt good about these exchanges.  Now, I can ask that same question and he might say something like, “It’s not particularly flattering” and then gives some specific reasons why by focusing on the outfit, not my figure.  Many problems are solved here.  My sensitivities are unruffled.  I don’t go out looking ridiculous.  Nels can feel good that he saved my ego. 

We also have different, often strong, opinions on how certain things should be done.  For example, I load the top rack of the dishwasher so that the cups fit nicely in the rows. Nels puts the cups over the tines.  It turns out this conflict goes back at least one generation, since we are merely following how each of our mothers taught us.  I argue that my way is better because you can fit more cups in.  It has never been clear why he does it the other way.  Now, we basically just put our cups in how we like to, and it all seems to work out. 

Then there is the annual argument about how to use the central air.  When it was installed, the technician told me that once the air was on, you were supposed to keep it on.  Also, you didn’t want to wait until it was too hot and humid in the day to start it.   All of this was supposed to produce less stress on the system.  That made sense to me, so I stuck with it.  This, however, did not fly with Nels.  Why turn the air on before you needed it?  Why can’t we turn it off and on as it is needed, he asked.  Our Indiana friends may think this whole turning off and on thing is crazy, because once it is hot there, it’s just plain hot.  Here in Bristol, however, it can be pleasant and cool in the mornings before the heat and humidity creep up to uncomfortable levels.  Thus, the disagreement usually begins in May and lasts through September.

We were having this discussion just last week.  Awhile after our usual impasse, Nels came to me and said, “I don’t want you to be mad, but…”  But what?  Did you wreck the car?  Did you break something expensive?  No and no.  Instead, he had gone to the Internet and found out that what the technician told me eight years ago was a myth.  The less time the air conditioning is on, the better.  Plain and simple.  Nels thought I would be mad because he was right and I was wrong.  Absolutely not.  It is such a relief to not worry about turning the air on in the heat of the day.  This is just one reason why the Internet is good for relationships.  Instead of clinging to set ways of doing things that feed into longstanding arguments, it is possible to find out the facts. 

Another secret to a happy relationship is to have separate bathrooms, especially when they are so tiny there is barely room for the tub, toilet and sink, much less a person, much less two people.  Some folks like the toilet paper to be put on the holder a certain way, object to toothpaste in the sink, are grossed out by pulling somebody else’s hair out the of the drain, or resent sharing such small space.  By having separate bathrooms, these issues do not arise, nor do I have to look at Nels’ soap ball.  What is a soap ball you ask?  Well, it’s the accumulation of months, possibly years, of bars of soap.  Having a different bathroom ensures that I do not have to find a way to wash my body with something that I can’t even fit in one hand, although I do have to pull my own hair out of the drain.        

While there is much to be said about the romance and excitement of the planning and first years of marriage, I prefer this time, 19 years in.  While we are the same at the core, we are much different people than we were the day after OJ Simpson’s wild ride in the white Bronco.  We even look different—less innocent, perhaps, and less puffy (clothes, bodies, hair).  More mature, more thoughtful toward one another.