The Politics of Friendship

“I am convinced people with opposing opinions politically cannot be friends.”

I was at the Women’s March in Providence when I checked Facebook and saw that post from one of my oldest friends.  I was excited to be at the rally with what turned out to be several thousand others—women, men, children, dogs and musicians of all ages and ethnicities.  Most had signs with clever sayings.  It was a beautiful day, unseasonably warm and sunny, and the feeling of dread I’d had since the election lifted.  If there were this many rallying in this small city, how many more were there across the nation (yes, Fox, even in the flyover states) and across the world?  The sense of community and shared energy was the perfect tonic for the toxicity of Trump’s Inauguration speech the day before.  

And then I saw that post from my friend, whom I’ll call Daren.  We have been friends since my freshman year of high school.  She introduced me to Planned Parenthood and Madonna’s first album, which we listened to all the time on her small boom box.  We made a lot of similar bad choices, especially when it came to boyfriends and overconsumption of alcohol.  Our friendship was off and on after high school, but when Facebook arrived, we reconnected and get together for coffee or lunch when I come back to Fort Wayne to visit family.   Daren is still the easygoing and generous person I remember from high school.  She is also much more conservative than I remembered.  To be fair, I did not realize how left-leaning I was until I went to college and felt like I finally understood how the world really works. 

Weirdly, our ideological differences have never come up when we are together, but are all too obvious on FB.  When I messaged Daren about her post, she said she had an argument with one of our mutual high school friends, a lefty like me, but also much more outspoken than I am.  It turns out their political differences turned personal, and what sounded like some long-simmering resentments came to the surface.  That made me wonder how political differences among friends and family members might not just be about politics, but something  a little deeper.  Feminists have always said that the personal is political, and I wonder if the reverse is not true as well.

Daren and I have some things in common—we both have been married to the same partner for over 20 years and are both subsequently devoted to our animals, although she is a dog person and I am a cat person.  However, our lives definitely took different trajectories, in that I chose to leave home for college and now live a thousand miles away, and she chose to stay in our hometown.  Our politics, values, and lifestyles are dissimilar.  So why do we maintain our friendship?  I think it’s because we knew each other when we were on our worst behavior in our teens and early 20’s.  Daren saw me at my most selfish and insecure, and I never remember her criticizing me for it (and she certainly had reason to).  I watched her engage in self-destructive behavior and tried to keep her from being too crazy. 

So, I am choosing to ignore her political posts, many of which I find hateful and offensive.  I try not to post those kinds of messages from my side, not because I don’t want to offend her and my other conservative friends, but because I think of Henry David Thoreau’s quote: “The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly.” 

I will continue to actively engage in resistance to the Trump agenda and administration.  I will also keep Thoreau in mind and attempt to be strong AND tender in my words and actions.  Long-lasting, healthy relationships are worth keeping if we still value one another, even as we have different values.