Ego versus Body: A Dialogue
Do you live your life in the should realm? As in “I should be grading my students’ papers instead of writing this blog” or “I should have a clean house like my neighbor does because if she has a husband, two kids, one foreign exchange student, two cats, a beagle, and can do it, why can’t I with my husband and cat who sleeps all the time (the cat, not the husband)?
I have spent most of my life in this realm, and I would like to move. You can have it, rent-free, forever.
The dangers of should have been apparent to me for awhile now, but it is insidious, lurking around corners and leaping out to surprise me with me its knowing and judging eye, just waiting to catch me lollygagging around the bases. On a recent long run that was shortened through circumstances described below, I realized that should, which is rooted in the normative claim of what is “correct” or “right” according to some standard—either cultural, psychological, or a bit of both—is on a first-name basis with my ego. In fact, I’m pretty sure they have been sleeping together. Just when I thought my ego had my best interests at heart, I realized it doesn’t care about me; it only cares about what others think about me. It thinks that I should do what it projects others expect of me. These aren’t real expectations on the part of others, mind you, only the ego’s interpretation.
Like any lover who fears her partner is stepping out on her, I hired a detective, whom I will call the Witness. Here is what she heard on this run last Sunday, as my Ego and Body duked it out.
Ego: Let’s go 16 miles today! If you run 16 miles today, 18 next Sunday, and then 20 the following week, you will have reached my goal of running doing a 20 miler in June!
Body: It looks good so far, but I haven’t done more than 13.5 miles since late April. Plus I ran 8 miles Friday and 8 again on Saturday.
Ego: Pish-posh! You should be able to do this just fine. You felt amazing on both of those runs.
Body: That’s true. But I did drink last night, and stayed up late. Didn’t get started until 7:20 a.m. and the sun is already bright.
Ego: Remember that beer is all carbs and that gigantic burger was all protein! I’m telling you, you should be able to do this, no sweat.
Body: “No sweat?” Have you looked at me lately? I’m drenched and it’s only been 10 miles. I have had to stop and get water several times already.
Ego: C’mon now. The sun is making you gloriously tan! Quit moving toward the shade. Hey, why is that guy asking you how you’re doing?
Body: Probably because my face is purple and I look like I’m moving underwater. We need to find a bathroom. Stomach is sending emergency signals.
Ego: Just have a gel and I know we can get the rest of those miles!
Body: I can’t even think about eating a chocolate gel, especially with caffeine. Do you want me to throw up right here in front of all these kids?
Ego: But we have to get to 16 miles! That was our goal for today.
Body: That was your goal. I’m walking home, which is 2 miles away, and I’m lucky I can still walk.
Ego: But you can pass that old grandpa dude up there who is barely moving! C’mon now, don’t you have any pride?
Witness Analysis:
The Ego has strong ideas about what must/should take place, but is at the mercy of the capabilities of her compatriots; in this case, the Body. This is why the Body is such a good teacher to the Ego: the Body cannot be coerced. Well, she can, but only to an extent. In this case, passing the “grandpa dude” at mile 11, but then seeing him pass us at mile 12 as we were walking, was what I would call humbling, and what the Ego would call a “disaster” (her words, not mine). In a fight to the finish, the score is: Body: Sick, Ego: Chastened. No winners here, except that both were laughing about this and having leftover pizza soon after.
